Category Archives: Matt

No more 24 before bed.

I’m startled from deep sleep by a loud “POP! POP! POP!” My brain shrieks, “WE’RE TAKING FIRE!!” What follows is why I'm banned from watching Jack Bauer before bed. Last night, Matt & I endured the most frightening experience of our lives. It’s approximately 2 AM and I’m startled from a deep sleep by a loud “POP! POP! POP!” My first thought is, “What is happening!?” This is closely followed by, “WE’RE TAKING FIRE!!!!”

I scream, cover my head, and turn to huddle into Matt’s side. My scream wakes Matt, who opens his eyes to see something flying toward his face. He emits what can only be described as a guttural “GAHH” and pulls the sheet over his face.

The POP POP POP continues, and my mind races between “FIREWORKS!?” “THE ROOF IS COLLAPSING!?” “MACHINE GUN FIRE!!!!!”

Then, what is already terrifying becomes absolutely dumbfounding as we hear an electronic-sounding voice begin singing, “Happy Birthday to You.”

The Happy Birthday song is such a bizarre turn of events, we both open our eyes (and Matt removes the sheet from his head). At this point we see that the gigantic singing helium balloon (that had been stuck in the vaulted corner of the bedroom ceiling since my birthday THREE MONTHS AGO) has finally been pulled into the ceiling fan.

Upon this revelation, I erupt in laughter. I mean really, the fact that neither of us had released our bowels is nothing short of a miracle. Matt doesn’t embrace the humor so quickly. Sadly, he continues flashing back to the moment he awoke to see an unknown object flying toward his face. (Which he now knows was the balloon being hit toward him by the fan blade. But the damage has been done.)

I, on the other hand, remember I’d been dreaming I was on a covert mission with Jack Bauer, which may or may not have influenced my reaction. (NO MORE 24 BEFORE BED.)

All that to say, we are safe, and there was no gunfire (or fireworks, or roof damage). Just a ceiling fan and a very scary balloon.

balloonattack

How to NOT win husband of the year.

I arrive home from the Y the other night and my low back starts seizing up. I’ve never had back spasms before, and the pain literally stops me in my tracks. Matt’s sitting across the living room, and I – frozen mid-stride in my walk past the couch – yell, “MY BACK! MY BACK IS SEIZING UP. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.”

Startled, Matt looks up from his laptop: What?

Me: MY BACK. MY. BACK. WHAT DO I DO!?

Matt: Can you sit down?

Me: I DON’T KNOW.

Matt: Can you turn?

Me: I DON’T KNOW.

Matt: Put your arms out in front of you.

Me: What? Okay. AHH IT HURTS.

Matt: Lean forward.

Me: I THINK I’M DYING.

Matt: Now bend your knees.

Me: Okay. (Whispering now, fearing a blackout from the pain.)

And here we reach the point where you realize I am out of my mind in pain, blindly following instructions from my DEAR HUSBAND who is clearly just making s#%t up to mess with me. Now is also the point when Matt starts fishing around for his phone to take a picture. Meanwhile, I look like this girl – except imagine her face contorted while yelling at her husband.

back spasm

Finally, I grab the couch for support, lower myself into a full squat, and then basically tip over into the fetal position on the floor. Matt NEVER EVEN GOT UP. Thankfully he also didn’t find his phone in time to take a picture.

Miraculously, my back is better now. Even more miraculously, Matt & I are still married.

Go jump in a lake.

I turned 35 yesterday. Yes, the big three-five. I’m living the dream, people. Living. the. dream.

In honor of my birthday, I decided to share with you the video that made me laugh the hardest during this past year. Here’s some context: back in December, we spent the weekend after Thanksgiving in the mountains at a house on Lake James. We were there with some friends, and my husband may have lost a bet regarding the outcome of the Michigan / Ohio State game. Naturally, the consequence was that he would jump into Lake James. Also naturally, our friend Dustin decided he’d suffer the consequence with him.

Because jumping in an ice-cold lake is more fun when you do it with a buddy, of course.

I apologize for the screaming and laughter and maniacal outbursts of high-pitched scream-laughter.

Did I mention it was the first weekend in December? In the mountains?

Click here to open the video in YouTube.

You’re welcome.