Starbucks Confessional (I am a freaking hot mess. Now, what?)

Yes, God helps in our need. It's a broken world, and bad things happen to good people. But what about the messes I get MYSELF into? What then?I’m doing something that makes me nervous. I was feeling pretty raw and low last week and it spilled onto the pages of my journal. I’m nervous because I know I’m supposed to share it.

I wanted to edit it first – but not in the way I usually edit my writing. I could tell I wanted to edit the desperation out of it. Just take it down a notch or three. I can’t have you all thinking I’m losing it over here.

But what? I don’t want people to think I’m that broken? That flawed? That needy?

So I’m not editing it. Because maybe one of you needs to know that if nothing else, you’re not the only one who is that broken. That flawed. That needy.

And maybe you’ll find that the God who is big enough for someone as broken, flawed, and needy as me, can be big enough for you too.

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I’m low. And I’m apparently stressed, as I have a behemoth trifecta of a cold sore eating my face. I’m in Starbucks, face unwashed, Abreva on my mouth. Wow.

I’m low. I’m sluggish. I’m blasting music through my earbuds to drown out the Starbucks crowd.

I’m not going to run the 1/2 marathon I’m registered for this Saturday. I didn’t train. And why?

Just because I chose not to.

Just like every day I choose NOT to do the right thing. To give my body the healthy food it needs. And the time in God’s Word. And the break from so much caffeine and sugar. (As I sit here with my grande quad shot two pump white mocha Americano, thankyouverymuch.)

It’s like I’m rebelling against my own freedom. I’m rebelling against my own success, health, growth, victory. What in the world for? Why?

WHY?
WHY?
WHY?
WHY?

Laziness? Addiction? Oppression? Simple rebellion? Self-loathing? Pride? Perfectionism?

I don’t know why I do this.

Does it matter why?

I wake up tired. I go to bed tired. I walk through my day looking for my next cup of coffee.

I think about doing awesome things. But I do the opposite.

It sounds like Paul’s words. “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do… I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do – this I keep on doing… WHAT A WRETCHED [WOMAN] I AM! WHO WILL SAVE ME? WHO WILL RESCUE ME FROM THIS BODY OF DEATH? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!”

I only copied the part about “Thanks be to God” because I feel like I should, but it doesn’t feel real right now.

I need to write. But what!? WHAT DO I HAVE TO SAY!?

“I feel low. Blah blah blah.”

Well, I feel low BECAUSE I MAKE POOR CHOICES. I feel low because I know what my body needs, what my mind needs, and I REFUSE TO DO IT. And even do worse. No one does this TO ME.

I DO THIS TO ME.

I am rebelling against my own freedom and I am angry and ashamed and tired and fed up and sad and nothing. And low. Just low. And apparently anxious, judging by the aforementioned face-eating cold sore.

So what now? How do I even approach God with this? I’ve done it – AM DOING IT – to myself.

Adam and Eve come to mind. In the Garden. It was so beautiful. It was perfect. They could have so much, but they chose the one thing God said no to. They traded ALL THE YESes for the NO. They rebelled against their own freedom.

Were there consequences? Absolutely. Um, hello, fall of all mankind. [You can read the account in context here.] But that’s not what I’m thinking of right now.

I’m thinking of this verse:

“The Lord God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife and clothed them.” (Genesis 3:21)

He could’ve left them naked and ashamed. But He didn’t. He clothed them. He covered them. He allowed them to experience the consequences of their rebellion, but HE MADE THEM GARMENTS AND HE CLOTHED THEM.

EVEN THOUGH THEY GOT THEMSELVES INTO THIS MESS.

God called to them. He met them in their shame. In their defeat. In their utter failure. And He met their need.

And I’m trying REALLY HARD to not cry in Starbucks right now. Because I need that. I need Him. I need Him to come and get me in this pit. I can’t climb out to find Him. I need Him to hear me hiding, naked and defeated, make me a garment, and walk me back out into the light.

Please come, Jesus.

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Oh my goodness. A garment. Oh JESUS, YOU CAME to make garments too. Just like the Lord God did in the Garden.  You came “…to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.” (Isaiah 61:3)

You guys. Could you use a new garment? Or any garment? Will you answer Him from your hiding place?

9 thoughts on “Starbucks Confessional (I am a freaking hot mess. Now, what?)

    1. Anonymous

      I NEEDED to hear this. I have struggled with my weight my whole life…I have great ideas and plans for myself, just like you said, but I choose to do the wrong thing, the easy thing. God has a New garment for me, I know that, but I still have to maintain that garment after I accept it. I have to nurture it and make sure it doesnt fall apart like old rags.

      Reply
  1. Hannah

    I am a total stranger and I clicked on your link randomly from a barely-acquaintance on Facebook. I’m sorry that’s so bizarre.

    But I feel COMPELLED to comment because I was LITERALLY in the exact same place as you about 9 months ago. I described it as feeling like I was at rock bottom with no ladder or springboard and paralyzed with fear I was stuck there forever…

    God totally opened my eyes to see what he meant in 1 john 1 when he said that he was the light of the world and in him there is no darkness… He’s not asking us to make better choices per se… He’s first asking us to simply expose ourselves to him and let him be our hiding place (psalm 32!!!!). He wants us to bring our darkness to his light, because his light dispels darkness. Ahhhhh how simple the solution seemed!

    I did the hardest thing ever- wrote out all of my unconfessed sins, failures (real and perceived), challenges, things I felt entitled to, things that didn’t seem fair… I finally poured out myself to God. I just ‘fessed up hard core. It was the first time in years that I felt an insane, deep soul connection with my savior.

    I have since asked god daily to bring all my darkness into his light. And he has shown up daily in my honesty.

    I say this to encourage you. You very way be making choices that are self-destructive (I know I did) but that’s ok. I don’t think god wants your better choices right now. I think he just wants you to come to him so he can love you, comfort you, help you. Offer you light to cover the darkness.

    I apologize for the weirdness of a random person over-sharing via blog comments. Hoping you continue to be bare before Him… He knows every tear.

    (PS read The Message version on Lamentations 3– I had it memorized I read it so often.)

    Reply
    1. amandauher Post author

      Hannah, I love that you are a random stranger! Thank you so much for your encouraging words, and for taking the time to not only read what I wrote, but to comment and share your own heart as well. So nice to have “met” you here. PS – over-sharing is my favorite. 🙂

      Reply
  2. Heidi

    Thank you all for your honesty and encouragement. I just wanted to mention another resource that may be helpful. Lisa Terkheurst has written a book and Bible Study called “Crave.” She is very honest and shares our struggles as a woman with weight and other temptation issues and she carves a very helpful path.

    Reply
    1. amandauher Post author

      Thanks for the suggestion, Heidi! I’ve heard great things about that book, but haven’t picked up a copy for myself yet. I should probably do that soon. 🙂 Thanks so much for taking the time to comment!

      Reply
  3. Ally Enz

    Thank you for sharing! I stumbled on this Starbucks Confessional via Momastery/Pinterest/Messy Beautiful Warrior.

    Right there with you, sister! I’ve only recently taken baby steps towards starting to see that “Change begins by not trying to change. . .” and it seems this is where you might be just now. . . remaining still, and discovering who you are. Carry on, and thank you for reminding me that I’m not alone in all this stuff. Ally

    “Change begins by not trying to change. What you imagine you must do in order to change yourself is often the very force that keeps you precisely the way you are. How else can you explain the years and decades of your own foiled plans for growth and broken resolutions? Consumed by an apparent passion to be “other” than who you are, you try to be who you are not, but in so doing succeed only in being a person who is trying to be other than who you are. Beneath all the layers of wanting to e different, self-dissatisfaction, pretense, charade , and denial is a self. this self is a living, dynamic force within everyone. And if you could remain still long enough here, now, in this very place, you would discover who you are. And by discovering who you are, you would at last be free to discover who you yet also might be.” Rabbi Lawrence Kushner, “Acceptance and Change.”

    Reply
    1. amandauher Post author

      Ally, thank YOU for reminding me I’m not alone either. 🙂 I’m so glad you stumbled onto my blog, and I’m grateful for your beautiful, encouraging words. Thanks so much for taking the time.

      Reply

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